Ache

I recently read the book, The Invitation. I highly recommend this book. It is actually a poem or pros and the the author takes each section and breaks it down through life stories. The opening line of the poem has struck such a chord with me though....
"It doesn't interest me what you do for a living, I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's desire." I have let this sit with me now for a couple of days. The first time I read this book, I read it like you would any other book, chapter by chapter right on through, but not this time. I want to sit with it. I want to let it touch my heart and let my mind really wrestle with it.
"I want know what you ache for..." , "dare to dream of meeting your heart's desires..."

What do I ache for? What is my heart's desires? I think where I am there are parts of me that dont' know the answer to these questions. I can tell you though, that I do ache to look into the eyes of another, to see their struggle and tell them , they are not alone and that they can do it. Maybe I ache for that for myself too, to believe I am not alone and that I can do what I long to do. God, what do I want to do? I want to be a loving, selfless, grounded, loving, person but I also want to pursue my talent in running and see just how far it can go...I want to sit with people and let them know their lives matter. I want people that feel that pang of lonliness to not feel that...for those people who don't where there next meal is coming from that they can come to me and I will feed them the best I can. I ache to hold a child who needs and longs to be held and help that child feel safe.
I have some incredible life experiences. Truly. Things that have formed me and made me who I am but sometimes I forget about these things. Sometimes I truly forget my heart, my longing, the things I ache for. I miss traveling, I miss being in places that blow my mind and these crazy life experiences that I could never put into words but they were amazing. How do I get there? How do I hold down this job of a teacher and continue to be a Mom and marathoner and get back these things that my heart truly aches for? How? I have had a million ideas but I can tell you right now....I feel so lost, so broken, so far away from my heart. Some would say but Annie this is life, you can't do it all...the realists would say that...but I am not a realist, I am a dreamer, I ache for things, I have a dream in my heart, god, I wish I knew in what direction I was supposed to move in. Yes, my job is very good, the schedule works with running and the summers off is pretty awesome but, my heart, my heart says it wants something else, it craves something else. I remember riding the back of a motorcyle with a complete stranger in Thailand. My arms around his body, trusting that he knew what he was doing. Total abandonment. I remember communicating with a lady who I believe was deaf, we couldn't of understood each other in any language but we did, we understood each other. I remember her. How is she? I think about Max the boy in the hospital for kids with special needs, how is he? how is his family? God, these people were important to me. People matter to me. My kids at school matter to me, they do. I know many of them feel lonely, inadequate, not cool, I see that and I feel it. So in some ways I do have the opportunity to be with people the way I want to but I really want that opportunity. I loved tutoring kids who couldn't go to school because we could just be together. So what do I ache for? I ache for people to be with people...but really be with them. I ache to to have my heart broken ...I remember seeing these kids selling belts in Guatemala....they were probably 6 and 9? I took them and bought them mcdonalds...i couldnt take away their problems and one meal at mcdonalds wasn't going to solve the fact that at age 6 they were working the streets but I desperately wanted to let them be kids and maybe for 20 minutes let them just be...give them the spaces to not worry but just enjoy something...I ache for those kids...how are they doing? I have no desire to solve world's problems but I do ache for people, I want to give them a free space, to be, whatever they need to be. to feel whatever they need to feel without any judgement and knowing I will be there to support them and they can lean into me...that they don't have to worry about how they will make me feel. So what does this mean for me? Should I be a therapist? But then I do lose my awesome schedule. I don't want to sit all day...I want to be up and about but I also im not looking to teach fitness...although I wouldnt mind....but its not what I ache for....I want to be a free place for people....that they come in and throw down their budrens and we can stand there or sit there or be there in anyway. That is what I ache for. To be the free open space that people need. To make them feel at home and comfortable in their own skin. You are ok, you are better than ok...you are amazing, you just who you are, god, if you had any idea just how incredible you were, your being.  That's what  I ache for. That is my hearts dream. Please show me how to get there.