excellence

I have been thinking a lot about everything lately. Love, life, future, wants, hopes, and dreams. The one thing I come back to is excellence. I am not talking about being perfect; I firmly believe we are imperfectly perfect. We can get better at things, be in better shape, learn more but who we are, yes it is imperfect but our imperfectness is perfect. I come back to excellence though. I feel like I am constantly on the hot pursuit of excellence. How can I bring excellence to all the things I do? Mother? Wife? Friend? Athlete? Teacher? I am so inspired by this word that I am actually thinking of getting it as a tattoo. Yup. Excellence. New Balance has a phrase "Let's make excellent happen." I love that phrase, it is not saying let's be perfect but let's chase down our dream, desires, and hopes. Let's push ourselves to our limits and then push right past them. What an intense and wonderful feeling that is to think we have hit excellence only to find out, nope, we have even more to give. Let's go to bed every night happily exhausted that we lived the fullest, most beautiful life, we could in one day. We were kind, we were gentle with our words, we pushed ourselves even when it was hard and we were life givers. We smiled often, we put passion and drive into everything that we did. Let's do that. Let's make excellence happen. Let's be incredibly, excellent people. I am not asking for perfection or that we never make mistakes (even mistakes help us on our route to excellence) but I am saying let's dig deep, and see just how capable we are of making excellence happen.

parking space

The other day I dropped my daughter off at the swim team only to realize she did not have her cap and goggles. I wasn't that upset about having to trek back across town to get the goggles, I was more upset about having to give up the great parking spot at the gym! That hour in particular is like "rush hour" at the gym so when you find a good spot you consider yourself lucky. I went and picked up her stuff and then returned back to gym, only to find that there was a new spot open that was I even closer than the one I was bummed to lose. Life lesson? I would say yes. Sometimes we are so afraid to let go of what is comfortable, but dear lord, when we do the world is waiting for us, calling us, inviting us. You may say but Annie that was just a parking space but no...it wasn't. Learning to let go and trust that what you need will be provided for or you will find it when you do let go....it is much easier to type than to do it. Letting go. Help me let go. I want so badly to breath in the world, to look out onto the endless horizon. I want to walk down dusty roads and look into the eyes that know pain but hold wisdom. To be in places that literally catch my breath, to be so afraid but so alive that I can feel my heart out of my chest. To look up into the sky and see the one million stars ...to stand in front of the ocean and throw up my hands, breathing in the pure air, to say Yes....but none of this can happen, if I don't trust that leaving the parking space is ok, that maybe it won't be closer but maybe it will be the space I need....

and I'm free, free falling...free falling...

the ache in my chest tonight is almost unbearable. how do we stop something we don't want to happen? can we? wrongs can't be undone but they can heal..I feel like I have a piece of glass in my chest quite honestly...the death of a relationship, letting go of everything you know, and just falling into the oblivion. what do you grab out for? this too shall pass. hold on my dear, you are loved, you are worthy, you have so much to give, you deserve to be happy.

I am capable.

Coming off this marathon has been tough. I think it has been tough for a lot of people. Not achieving their goals, the ending of a training cycle, dealing with the healing process but also looking to the future..what's next? For me, my thought has been trying to re assure myself that I am capable of training hard again and capable of reaching my goal and dream which is breaking the 3 hour barrier at the marathon. I've only had 7 shots which really isn't that many. But right now at this moment, my itb hurts, my shoulders hurt and I am fricking tired!!! I have no goal race on the calendar and I don't even know if I should take a day off or when I should take it off...ship lost at sea feeling for sure. But today I had this thought while putting my little lady to sleep: I am capable. I will. I am capable. I deserve my dreams if I am willing to work for them. Don't give up. Keep fighting. I may need some rest and time to let my body, mind, spirit heal but in a couple months, it will be go time. As my team says, respect the process.

when everything falls apart

When everything falls apart, what do you hold onto? When you feel like you've jumped off the cliff and you're falling a million miles an hour to ground...what do you reach out for? I guess for me it is hope and strength. The last 2 years of my life have been beautiful and wonderful in many ways-- but I also feel like in other ways I have launched myself off this never ending cliff. Bad choices, being dishonest with myself, not feeding my soul with what it really desires..have lead me here...and I have no idea how to get back. No idea how to make things right...if you shatter a vase into a million pieces can you super glue it back together, I feel like Im trying to put mine back together with electric tape...what a mess. The popular phrase, "yolo" is ...trendy but it is also very true. You only have on shot, what do you want your chance to look like? For me, I crave relationship, passion, communication and to dream wild dreams and feverishly pursue them. When you love someone, it is easy and effortless to bend yourself inside and out for them. Love costs nothing. But what happens when you love someone and they don't love you? Then what? There are few things as painful as loving and desiring someone and they just don't feel that way for you. So what do you do with that? Do you give up and walk away, if someone doesnt love you and say, "well if they don't love me, then its not worth my while."? I don't know, I don't know if we can do that.... Life is really fricking complicated. Two doors. How do you ever choose? But when you do, you have to make the choice to be at peace with the choice. Maybe we should be thanking god we only go around once ha!