Ache

I recently read the book, The Invitation. I highly recommend this book. It is actually a poem or pros and the the author takes each section and breaks it down through life stories. The opening line of the poem has struck such a chord with me though....
"It doesn't interest me what you do for a living, I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's desire." I have let this sit with me now for a couple of days. The first time I read this book, I read it like you would any other book, chapter by chapter right on through, but not this time. I want to sit with it. I want to let it touch my heart and let my mind really wrestle with it.
"I want know what you ache for..." , "dare to dream of meeting your heart's desires..."

What do I ache for? What is my heart's desires? I think where I am there are parts of me that dont' know the answer to these questions. I can tell you though, that I do ache to look into the eyes of another, to see their struggle and tell them , they are not alone and that they can do it. Maybe I ache for that for myself too, to believe I am not alone and that I can do what I long to do. God, what do I want to do? I want to be a loving, selfless, grounded, loving, person but I also want to pursue my talent in running and see just how far it can go...I want to sit with people and let them know their lives matter. I want people that feel that pang of lonliness to not feel that...for those people who don't where there next meal is coming from that they can come to me and I will feed them the best I can. I ache to hold a child who needs and longs to be held and help that child feel safe.
I have some incredible life experiences. Truly. Things that have formed me and made me who I am but sometimes I forget about these things. Sometimes I truly forget my heart, my longing, the things I ache for. I miss traveling, I miss being in places that blow my mind and these crazy life experiences that I could never put into words but they were amazing. How do I get there? How do I hold down this job of a teacher and continue to be a Mom and marathoner and get back these things that my heart truly aches for? How? I have had a million ideas but I can tell you right now....I feel so lost, so broken, so far away from my heart. Some would say but Annie this is life, you can't do it all...the realists would say that...but I am not a realist, I am a dreamer, I ache for things, I have a dream in my heart, god, I wish I knew in what direction I was supposed to move in. Yes, my job is very good, the schedule works with running and the summers off is pretty awesome but, my heart, my heart says it wants something else, it craves something else. I remember riding the back of a motorcyle with a complete stranger in Thailand. My arms around his body, trusting that he knew what he was doing. Total abandonment. I remember communicating with a lady who I believe was deaf, we couldn't of understood each other in any language but we did, we understood each other. I remember her. How is she? I think about Max the boy in the hospital for kids with special needs, how is he? how is his family? God, these people were important to me. People matter to me. My kids at school matter to me, they do. I know many of them feel lonely, inadequate, not cool, I see that and I feel it. So in some ways I do have the opportunity to be with people the way I want to but I really want that opportunity. I loved tutoring kids who couldn't go to school because we could just be together. So what do I ache for? I ache for people to be with people...but really be with them. I ache to to have my heart broken ...I remember seeing these kids selling belts in Guatemala....they were probably 6 and 9? I took them and bought them mcdonalds...i couldnt take away their problems and one meal at mcdonalds wasn't going to solve the fact that at age 6 they were working the streets but I desperately wanted to let them be kids and maybe for 20 minutes let them just be...give them the spaces to not worry but just enjoy something...I ache for those kids...how are they doing? I have no desire to solve world's problems but I do ache for people, I want to give them a free space, to be, whatever they need to be. to feel whatever they need to feel without any judgement and knowing I will be there to support them and they can lean into me...that they don't have to worry about how they will make me feel. So what does this mean for me? Should I be a therapist? But then I do lose my awesome schedule. I don't want to sit all day...I want to be up and about but I also im not looking to teach fitness...although I wouldnt mind....but its not what I ache for....I want to be a free place for people....that they come in and throw down their budrens and we can stand there or sit there or be there in anyway. That is what I ache for. To be the free open space that people need. To make them feel at home and comfortable in their own skin. You are ok, you are better than ok...you are amazing, you just who you are, god, if you had any idea just how incredible you were, your being.  That's what  I ache for. That is my hearts dream. Please show me how to get there.

excellence

I have been thinking a lot about everything lately. Love, life, future, wants, hopes, and dreams. The one thing I come back to is excellence. I am not talking about being perfect; I firmly believe we are imperfectly perfect. We can get better at things, be in better shape, learn more but who we are, yes it is imperfect but our imperfectness is perfect. I come back to excellence though. I feel like I am constantly on the hot pursuit of excellence. How can I bring excellence to all the things I do? Mother? Wife? Friend? Athlete? Teacher? I am so inspired by this word that I am actually thinking of getting it as a tattoo. Yup. Excellence. New Balance has a phrase "Let's make excellent happen." I love that phrase, it is not saying let's be perfect but let's chase down our dream, desires, and hopes. Let's push ourselves to our limits and then push right past them. What an intense and wonderful feeling that is to think we have hit excellence only to find out, nope, we have even more to give. Let's go to bed every night happily exhausted that we lived the fullest, most beautiful life, we could in one day. We were kind, we were gentle with our words, we pushed ourselves even when it was hard and we were life givers. We smiled often, we put passion and drive into everything that we did. Let's do that. Let's make excellence happen. Let's be incredibly, excellent people. I am not asking for perfection or that we never make mistakes (even mistakes help us on our route to excellence) but I am saying let's dig deep, and see just how capable we are of making excellence happen.

parking space

The other day I dropped my daughter off at the swim team only to realize she did not have her cap and goggles. I wasn't that upset about having to trek back across town to get the goggles, I was more upset about having to give up the great parking spot at the gym! That hour in particular is like "rush hour" at the gym so when you find a good spot you consider yourself lucky. I went and picked up her stuff and then returned back to gym, only to find that there was a new spot open that was I even closer than the one I was bummed to lose. Life lesson? I would say yes. Sometimes we are so afraid to let go of what is comfortable, but dear lord, when we do the world is waiting for us, calling us, inviting us. You may say but Annie that was just a parking space but no...it wasn't. Learning to let go and trust that what you need will be provided for or you will find it when you do let go....it is much easier to type than to do it. Letting go. Help me let go. I want so badly to breath in the world, to look out onto the endless horizon. I want to walk down dusty roads and look into the eyes that know pain but hold wisdom. To be in places that literally catch my breath, to be so afraid but so alive that I can feel my heart out of my chest. To look up into the sky and see the one million stars ...to stand in front of the ocean and throw up my hands, breathing in the pure air, to say Yes....but none of this can happen, if I don't trust that leaving the parking space is ok, that maybe it won't be closer but maybe it will be the space I need....

and I'm free, free falling...free falling...

the ache in my chest tonight is almost unbearable. how do we stop something we don't want to happen? can we? wrongs can't be undone but they can heal..I feel like I have a piece of glass in my chest quite honestly...the death of a relationship, letting go of everything you know, and just falling into the oblivion. what do you grab out for? this too shall pass. hold on my dear, you are loved, you are worthy, you have so much to give, you deserve to be happy.

I am capable.

Coming off this marathon has been tough. I think it has been tough for a lot of people. Not achieving their goals, the ending of a training cycle, dealing with the healing process but also looking to the future..what's next? For me, my thought has been trying to re assure myself that I am capable of training hard again and capable of reaching my goal and dream which is breaking the 3 hour barrier at the marathon. I've only had 7 shots which really isn't that many. But right now at this moment, my itb hurts, my shoulders hurt and I am fricking tired!!! I have no goal race on the calendar and I don't even know if I should take a day off or when I should take it off...ship lost at sea feeling for sure. But today I had this thought while putting my little lady to sleep: I am capable. I will. I am capable. I deserve my dreams if I am willing to work for them. Don't give up. Keep fighting. I may need some rest and time to let my body, mind, spirit heal but in a couple months, it will be go time. As my team says, respect the process.

when everything falls apart

When everything falls apart, what do you hold onto? When you feel like you've jumped off the cliff and you're falling a million miles an hour to ground...what do you reach out for? I guess for me it is hope and strength. The last 2 years of my life have been beautiful and wonderful in many ways-- but I also feel like in other ways I have launched myself off this never ending cliff. Bad choices, being dishonest with myself, not feeding my soul with what it really desires..have lead me here...and I have no idea how to get back. No idea how to make things right...if you shatter a vase into a million pieces can you super glue it back together, I feel like Im trying to put mine back together with electric tape...what a mess. The popular phrase, "yolo" is ...trendy but it is also very true. You only have on shot, what do you want your chance to look like? For me, I crave relationship, passion, communication and to dream wild dreams and feverishly pursue them. When you love someone, it is easy and effortless to bend yourself inside and out for them. Love costs nothing. But what happens when you love someone and they don't love you? Then what? There are few things as painful as loving and desiring someone and they just don't feel that way for you. So what do you do with that? Do you give up and walk away, if someone doesnt love you and say, "well if they don't love me, then its not worth my while."? I don't know, I don't know if we can do that.... Life is really fricking complicated. Two doors. How do you ever choose? But when you do, you have to make the choice to be at peace with the choice. Maybe we should be thanking god we only go around once ha!

I don't know...

but you do know..we all know..in hearts what the answer is...but sometimes finding the words is painfully hard....or not so much finding them but getting out of our mouths... whether someone says it to you or you say it to someone...be honest ...do you know and just can't bring yourself to say it? sometimes it is better to say nothing but sometimes it isn't, sometimes we have to say something even when it feels paralyzing..

Space and Time

I value both Space and Time. As someone who loves people, to be on the move, to always be doing something, the importance for me in my day to have both Space and Time is really important, I would go as far as to say vital for me to stay healthy and happy. As a distance runner, I spend hours at a time on the roads and I need that. I need that time to process and feel things, to sort out my day or tackle a problem. I also need space, I don't like being confined in a building or my house all day. I am not saying I am camping every other day (true confession as an adult I have never been camping!) but I do love getting out on the roads and having them to myself. So today, when I picked up my 6 year old after school, I told her we were going for a drive...so we drove for 2 hours! We did make a pit stop for ice cream but since this last week I've been recovering and not running, I needed that space and time. I needed the road. We listened to music at full volume and commented on all the streams. It was good for my soul. If it hadn't been raining we for sure would have gone for a walk or something too but it was 40 degrees and raining, no thanks. Looking forward to getting out there again tomorrow for a 6 miler, easy, gentle, no agenda, just being...

It is ok to be sad and mad and happy all at the same time...

Last Monday I ran the Boston Marathon. It was an incredible day for so many reasons. If I have said it once, I've said it a million times...running marathons is a party from people from every corner...and I love it, all of it. I went into the marathon very hopeful that it would go well. I wouldn't call it expecting only because I've learned my lesson to never expect anything in a marathon, you just never know. I went in hopeful though if all went well, I could have a great day out there. I was in the best shape of my life. I did have a great day, I ran a 3:00:00 only .1 of a second from breaking the big 3 barrier. Not the easiest pill to swallow but I am proud. Proud I could sustain a 6:51 mile pace for exactly 3:00:00. I was sad though, and finally about 3 days after the marathon, I let myself really feel sad, let myself cry and be angry. So much discipline and sacrifice, so close to reaching my goal but not quite. I want excellence. I want to set a goal and reach it. I will with time, I am not giving up. I am proud of myself for what I did out there but I want to break that barrier. I don't feel sad any more about it, just hopeful that I will have another shot at reaching my goal. "Consult not your fears but your hopes and your dreams. Think not about your frustrations, but about your unfulfilled potential. Concern yourself not with what you tried and failed in, but with what is still possible for you to do." Saint John XXIII Running has taught me to fall in love with limitless possibility and potential. Just when I think I can't do better or I've reached my limit, I am surprised. There are still many roads to explore, many dreams to chase after...

Introduction

I am not sure where this line comes from to be completely honest with you...I heard it on the Adele 19 cd, number 12 but really it struck me and I see online that many people have it as a tatoo or incorporated into their website...anyone help me with this? I've had a few blogs...the only one that I really kept up with and people read was 100daystoBoston that I wrote while training for my 2nd Boston which ended up also being the slowest/trying of them all. But here I am again...ready to write. I want to give you my word, that this writing is going to be very honest and maybe sometimes hard to read. If it is hard for you to read just know it is probably hard for me to write but I am writing from the most raw and real place of my heart. I am on this journey of figuring a lot out and I have a lot of questions but something tells me, I am not alone in this. I know that I am not lost, I know that I am wandering and sometimes this wandering takes me to some pretty dark places but sometimes it takes me these other places that leave me wordless on account of their beauty. Ok, buckle up friends...I have a couple of rules...1. run fast 2. drive fast. and 3.kiss slowly like it is the first or maybe the last, but either way, enjoy it.